We went home, it's been days since I went home but it feels like it's been years. I didn’t know when this place of horrors turned into a home but I am not complaining because I reside where my beloved does. Where he lives, I want to stay there till my last breath. To feel secure in his arms and never let them go, I want to stay with him. I want him and nothing else.
We reached home, I kept looking out of the window lost in thoughts. The view outside seems so free but still I felt restricted and suffocated. As if some shackles are around my feet, taking me back to the cage of misery every time I try to break it.
'Can Christian eradicate this feeling of being defiled from me again? What if he broke saving me? He is in so much agony. When both of us are broken, whose gonna save whom? Would he ever want to touch my impure body?' My thoughts were interrupted when Christian shook my shoulder, my breath hitched as I stiffed,
"Sophie.. no need to panic. We're home." He said gently, I gave him a hesitant nod and got out, but my body being weak, I can't walk properly, I stumble and fall on his hard chest. He wrapped his arms around my waist and helped me to walk,
"Should I carry you again?" He asked. I shook my head 'no' and we walked in.
Every helper of the house was waiting to welcome me home. I smiled at them.
"Welcome home, Ma'am." Samuel said earnestly.
"thanks.."
"Welcome Ma'am. It's great to have you back." now, Gwen said. I passed her a smile.
"Everyone missed you. Without you this place is nothing but an empty mansion, you made it feel like home." Christian said.
"Take me.. to the dining hall, I'm.. hungry." I said weakly. He smiled- not him but everyone smiled,
"We have already prepared your favourite meal, Ma'am." Our cook, Kayla said.
We went to the dining hall, I took a seat as the food was served.
"Thank you everyone." I thanked them with all my heart.
"We're the one who should be thanking you." Samuel said.
Christian fed me and I felt my heart beating feebly in slight happiness inside me but it can't get out. All my positive emotions are imprisoned inside me and now matter how much I want to take them out, I can’t. My broken soul is not letting me.
After eating, he helped me to go to our room, I laid down and held his hand, "..stay.." I whispered. He looked at me for a second and gulped hard. He was hesitating. I gave him a pleading look and said, "please.. hold me close." After looking at me for a short moment, he took off his coat and laid beside me. I put my head on his chest as my both hands clutch his shirt and I snuggled close to him, inhaling his scent giving me a feeling of being safe. I don't know when those arms which used to give me intense loath began to give me solace and love. It's not that I am complaining instead I feel blessed. I smiled as I closed my eyes.
His one hand was in my hairs pulling me close which his other hand held my hand rubbing random patterns.
I let that feeling of being away from abhorrence to fill me up in those arms of sweet compassion that once used to make me feel defile but now obliterate any kind of this negative feeling from them as if it never existed in the first place.
'because something else evoke that sensation of disgust.' my mind mocked but I ignored it and tried to sleep.
"Please Christian, Save me!"
I woke up panting heavily as sweat rolled down badly. Tears brimmed in the corner of my eyes. The intensity of terror became so high that I lost my senses. With my heart beating so fast as if it could burst, I turned and saw on one beside me once again.
"Christian!" I began to sob loudly. I began to cry out loud in dread. I put a hand over my chest emitting shallow breaths. I continued to cry so much that it began to suffocate me. I almost lost my breath. My body was trembling in fear.
I heard the sound of the shower being turned off and in a few seconds, Christian walked out in his trousers only. He quickly rushed to my side and hugged me. I hugged him back and began to cry.
"Shh. It's okay. Don't cry." He tried to soothe me. He run his hand in my hairs while rubbing my back.
"Don't leave me!" I began to cry out loud.
"I won't." He said gently. He continued to calm me down and I continued to cry on his embrace.
"Please remove this feeling of being defiled..." I begged him.
"Eradicate the feeling of their touch.. Please.." I plead him. "I promise, I will. Just please don't cry." He wiped my tears with his thumb. I began to let out convulsed gasps. He kissed my hands that somehow calm my racing heart. He pulled me in his arms again and I continued to tremble.
I put my ear over his bare chest to listen to his heartbeat like before. When I heard his heart beating fast in dread like mine, I calmed down so that he can too. I closed my eyes and continued to listen to the melody produced by his heart, it somehow gave me a lull. The harmony blend in with mine and turned out as a call to liberation as I found myself losing in that and a deep slumber took over me and I lost consciousness again.
My eyes flutter opened as I quickly sat up. A sudden pain shot through my head. I looked around frantically to see whether I am in those lethal nightmare or not. A sigh of relief escape my lips when I saw Christian sleeping beside me. I run my hands in my hairs and turned to him. He is still shirtless. He was so tired and when he went to take a shower, I ruin that little moment of equanimity from him. I felt bad for him, looking so weary but still doing his best.
My lips curved upward in a sad smile,
"You can't save me.. You'll fall apart.."
I close my eyes and a tear fell from eye directly to his cheek.
He has bangs under his eyes, his beard is outgrown. He seemed skinnier. Just how much you have suffered in a few days? I don’t want you to suffer because of my anymore. You had enough. Enough regrets, enough pain, enough misery. I want this to end.
He was sleeping so peacefully, it seems like he haven't slept in a while. I decided to let him sleep. I went to the bathroom and looked at my reflection. My eyes widened for a second. I have bruises although they were almost healed but they were still present and that cut on my lips. I grit my teeth looking at the cut. Cursing under my breath, I avert my gaze. Now I know why Christian seemed so heartbroken whenever he looked at me not just him but everyone.
The condition I was in, anyone would be sympathetic for me. But the outside face is still bearable as compared to the internal pain running in my veins.